I Am Deeply Traumatized By Ludacris’ Fake Abs
Luda-Christmas came early for fans of manufactured schadenfreude and 90s-era computer graphics with the release of Ludacris’ video for “Vitamin D,” featuring the rapper sporting a CGI’d chest that is an affront to God and nature.
Oh, honey, what are you doing, honey?
You are giving us body-oddy oddly and it’s making me uncomfortable.
The lewk is part of the concept of the video… I think. At the end, Luda wakes on an operating table, surrounded by doctors in lingerie, in possession of his normal, non-Grand Theft Auto chest again.
Apparently the fake torso has just been a general anesthesia-induced fever dream (get well soon, tbh). You know how that is. When I got my wisdom teeth out I dreamt I won a People’s Choice Award for the movie As Good As It Gets so Ludacris’ Extreme Makeover by Microsoft Paint makes total sense to me. All well and good, although I do have some qualms about the health safety practices of this medical staff. For instance, I feel like bedazzling a stethoscope, while fabulous, is just inviting a lawsuit. But what do I know? None of my doctors wear lingerie to work. (My primary care provider is an all-Snuggie workplace.)
Anyway, internet mockery came fast and furious.
This is clearly by design as Luda himself was retweeting some of the cleverest mockery.
“I did a lot of sit ups for that! RT @SamCruzin: Yo but why Ludacris six pack look like it was done at Sephora”
I have nothing against a celeb trying to manufacture a viral moment. What I am against, however, is terrible CGI, particularly when there are abs involved.
I’m a fake ab purist.
Aren’t we beyond that as a culture? We can send a mission to Mars but we can’t contour a multi-millionaire’s six-pack believably? Why get out of bed in the morning if I can’t be fooled into thinking that a man in his mid-40s is as swole as Zac Efron? This is the kind of fake news I hunger for. You think I spend literally billions of dollars of year on gym memberships and diet plans to not be sold an unrealistic idea of the human body is capable of? No, I do not.
This looks like a muscle suit made for a Muppet.
This looks like you Photoshopped yourself and then spray-tanned the computer screen.
Why does Ludacris has a body for Sim?
Why does Ludacris look like a Cabbage Patch doll version of The Rock?
What did we even invent computers for? Like, have you seen Avatar? They believably turned Sigourney Weaver into Sonic the Hedgehog. This is the future. That’s what I want.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that we invented computer technology for the sole purpose of searching for weird things without shame and believably changing the way things look. Thomas Edison didn’t invent SnapChat filters so that you could give yourself a chest that looks like a rolling hillside in Assassin’s Creed, Ludacris. I want better for you. The internet wants better for you. I don’t ask for much; I just ask that if you’re going to lie about your pecs, make me believe it.